JE #1: Christmas is the Season of Love Unless It's for Me

Sept 19: Arrive Las Vegas.  Go to apartment that Marc got for us.  Ate lunch at "In n Out" Burger. Unpacked and eventually ate supper with Chris and Marc.  Nice day.

Next 3 days:  Shopped and bought a lot more presents for the boys then I planned.  Chris: GPS for car and other stuff that I did at the shop (laser engraved flashlight, beer steins, etc).  Marc got stuff to make router table, external HD, and dehydrator.  Roberta will get a cold air induction for her car and Marc arranged for us men to buy her a red leather sofa and chair from his showroom at his work.  I also fixed Marc's garage door (with his assistance), cleaned up the kitchen in preparation for Christmas Eve, loaded a bunch of software onto his new computer (he had called and asked me to bring a bunch of my software.) and cooked several meals to include meatloaf and cabbage stoup, shrimp and wild rice casserole, and finally crunchy cabbage salad.  Also bought lots of food for Christmas Eve and Christmas.  This included stuff to make breaded mushrooms, jalapeno poppers, breaded mozzarella sticks, salad, a baked ham, Crescent rolls, shrimp (Marc already had them), and other items.  Bought the traditional 3 jars of olives for my and the boy's stockings (I also bought feta cheese stuffed olives for Roberta's stocking) and summer sausage for each of the men's stockings.

Christmas Eve we went to 4:30PM church.  Got out around 5:40.  As we were leaving church and turning onto West Horizon Ridge Parkway, I asked Marc to turn right and go to a grocery store that I said was at the next light so I could buy some wine for the evening.  I also said that we might need to hurry since I had seen several signs in stores saying that they were closing at 6:00.
Marc turned right and then started lecturing me that stores weren't closing at 6:00, that this was Las Vegas and stores did not close (In case you missed that; Marc just called me either a liar or a fool.  I'm betting on a fool.) and that there was a CVS pharmacy near his house that sold wine.  He also commented on his getting low on gas.  I said that the store I had in mind had a gas station with it.  At the next light, I realized that I was off a few streets and I said that the store was a few blocks farther on Stephanie and Horizon Ridge.

At the next light Marc turned right and entered a CVS pharmacy and told me that they sold wine and I should buy it there.  I went inside and discovered that it was a small store and did not sell alcohol.  I returned to Marc's truck and told him that and asked him to just continue on to my store.  Marc then turned the other direction and entered a gas station to get gas.  Marc exited the truck to pump the gas.  I was pretty mad and said "God damn it. Why can't he just take me to the store."  Chris then exited the truck.  I said a few more comments about this G-D dysfunctional family.  After a long wait  Marc eventually started pumping the gas.  Chris went in  the store.  Eventually they both got back into the truck and Marc drove on the side street toward West Horizon Ridge Parkway.  As we waited for the light, Roberta said, "Marc, please take your dad to the store he wants to go to."
After the light changed, Marc did a u-turn and drove away from Horizon Ridge.
I was not saying anything and leaned the top of my head against the back of Marc's seat.  Marc then said, "There is a CVS pharmacy near my house that sells wine or I can take you to the Walmart store on Stephanie, which would you prefer? (Neither of these stores was the one at the intersection of Stephanie and West Horizon Ridge Parkway.)   I replied,  "My earlier preferences have not seemed to matter much so I doubt if my preferences now would be worth anything."  Chris snorted like a stifled laugh.

Marc drove to the CVS pharmacy near his house.  I got out of the truck and walked inside the store.  Once inside I could sense that someone was walking very closely to my left rear.  I walked over to the wines and turned to find Marc standing nose to nose with me.  He then said in a loud voice, "See they do to sell wine.  So buy yourself some wine and stop being so obnoxious.  What is your problem?"
I replied, "I asked you twice and your Mom once to take me to a particular store and you completely blew me off.  I don't like being blown off like that.  That's my problem."
Marc then responded so loudly that other people in the store turned to watch us, "Get your stupid wine and quit being such a stupid jerk.  You had better stop being so obnoxious because Mom needs to  have a happy Christmas Eve."
I put my hand up in front of Marc and said, "I guess she isn't going to have a happy Christmas Eve." Not wanting to continue this argument and knowing that Marc was not gong to calm down; I then turned, walked out of the store, and started walking down the street.  Marc got in his truck (with Chris and Roberta) and drove off.

45 minutes later I called Roberta.  She did not answer but called me back.  I said, "I need a ride to the apartment or I'll have to take a taxi."  She said, "What you need to do is spend Christmas Eve with your sons."
I hung up the phone.  Then I hobbled 2 miles to the Sunset Casino (I had a heel problem with my left foot and for several days I had been telling everyone in the family to slow down while shopping so I could keep up with them.)  I wondered around in the casino until 8:00 hoping that someone would finally call me.  Finally, I gave up and took some money out of the ATM and took a taxi back to the apartment.  I stopped by a convenience store and bought a microwave burrito, some chips and some beer.  Around 10:00, I heard Roberta fumbling at the door.  I unlocked the deadbolts and doorknob, went into the bedroom, closed the door and read my book for another 15 minutes before going to sleep.

The next day I heard Roberta in the bathroom.  When she exited it, I entered and did my ablutions. When I came out Roberta was standing there.  I said, "I need the vehicle keys so I can buy some food for me for Christmas."
Roberta said something about me not doing this and I needed to spend Christmas with the boys.
I replied, "If I am not good enough to spend Christmas Eve with you then I am not good enough to spend Christmas with."
Roberta said something about me walking off in a mood on Christmas eve.
I replied that I had walked away from an obnoxious son who was trying to start a fight.  I repeated my request for the keys.  She asked about what Marc had said and I told her what he had said. I then added that there were three people who did not come after me or call me on Christmas Eve and that sent a strong message to me.
I got the keys and left for an hour.  When I got back, Roberta was dressed and had packed her bags.  She left with her bags.  I spent Christmas alone and my Christmas dinner came from Jack in the Box, a 2 mile hobble.

I also spent the day after Christmas alone in the apartment.  My only communication from my family on Christmas was 2 text messages from Chris.
Msg 1 at 5:00PM: I love you. Have the best Christmas you can.
My reply: Thanks.
My second reply:  Who is more Christian? Father who walks away from a taunting son or sons and wife who desert him?
Message 2 from Chris at 8:08PM: Whether you believe it or not everyone cars. It is just that nobody wants to deal with you when you get like last nite. I am sorry.
I woke up in the early hours of December 26th and realized that, yes indeed, my family had deserted me during the holiest of holidays.  I got mad and sent this text message to all 3 of them:  It is over.  I will never forget what u 3 have done to me.  You are now damned by your own actions.


On the afternoon of Dec 26, I had a call from Roberta.  Here are the highlights.
I was in a mood and started the whole scene.
I was frantic to get the wine and that caused the whole scene. (Actually there was booze in the apartment and booze back at Marc's that I had bought the morning of Christmas Eve when I was shopping with Marc so why would I be frantic?)
I have a history of being in a mood.  (So does everyone else in this family.)
It was all my fault.
I am a lousy father.
I started the fight with Marc in the pharmacy.
I once got drunk on Christmas Eve and the boys had to wait until Christmas morning to open their presents.  (While I don't remember this, it sure is a good reason to desert me years later.  After all, I made the boys wait 10 hours longer to open their presents.)
Marc misunderstood which store I wanted to go to and he was innocent of any wrong doing.  (I told him the street it was on and then even the cross-street and he still misunderstood.)

I told Roberta that she is getting what she really wanted; Christmas with the boys and without me.  I also said that I would move out soon upon our return to Evansville and she can have a divorce.

On the days prior to Christmas Eve, I never drank while at Marc's house.  I tasted his and Chris's beers one evening and was offered a beer several times but I declined each time.  I would have a few drinks when Roberta and I returned to the apartment at the end of the day.  I also slept on the couch so my snoring would not disturb Roberta while she slept in the bed.  (Except Christmas Eve when I slept in the bed. And the days when she wasn't there.)

On Friday, December 28, I received a scathing email from Chris.  He misstated everything that happened and blamed me for all of the sins of the world.  I responded with my own harsh words and finished by telling him to never contact me again.
 

Did I mention that she used my camera to take pictures of  their Christmas without me!!!!!!!!!!!

This was a very revealing vacation.
1.  My family would rather be without me on Christmas eve and Christmas then be with me.
2.  Even on the holiest of holidays, no one loves me enough to overcome their false beliefs to be with me.
3.  Even on the holiest of holidays, no one loves me enough to bring me any presents or food that I had purchased.  Microwave burritos and Jack in the Box are good enough for me.
4.  My only present that I have received is a small cheap Walmart summer sausage.  The olives I bought for my own stocking ended up with someone else.
5.  Roberta has done an excellent job of poisoning my own sons against me.  Her many years of making me be the bad guy and her wear the white hat have succeeded.

Conclusions:
1.  I will never ever put myself into a situation where any member of my family has any control over me.  I won't visit them, stay with them, or ride with them.
2.  I will not ever again put myself out in helping them or aiding them.  I will treat them just like I would treat a stranger.  No more, no less.  (In fact, I treat strangers better than they treated me.)
3.  I cannot trust any member of my family.
4. My family doesn't deserve the hard work and money that I have put into them.  When they got in trouble with the law, I was there.  When they got in trouble with their school, I was there.  When they needed money or help, I was there.  I, on the other hand, get deserted.

JE#2: When is Six to Many and Six is Just Fine

In mid-November, we finally figured out that Roberta and I would go to Las Vegas for Christmas where we would meet Marc and Chris.  At this time I started talking that my parents in Mesa, AZ would probably want to come up for Christmas like they had 2 years earlier.  Roberta said that they could not stay at Marc's house because it was to small for 6 people (Chris, Marc, Roberta, Me, and my Mom and Dad. Marc's 2 roommates were going home for Christmas.) Roberta had stayed there for a few days in October or September so she should know how many his home could hold.

I then remembered that Marc had mentioned that he might be able to reserve a free apartment at his work.  I asked Roberta to ask Marc to check this out.  The next week I overheard Roberta talking to Marc on the phone.  I interrupted and asked her to ask Marc about the apartment.  She said that she wasn't going to ask him, that I needed to.  A few days later the exact same thing occurred.  I could not understand her reluctance to ask but did not push the issue. So I called Marc and asked him to look into it and get back with me. Around Thanksgiving my Mom started calling me weekly asking about them coming up and where could they stay. I stalled her with BS answers.  At about her third call, she pleaded with me to just let them sleep on the floor at Marc's.  I again stalled her.  By now I was calling Marc twice a week and getting answers that his boss was not returning his emails, she was unavailable, etc...

About the second week of December I received a call from my Dad.  He stated that they were not coming to Las Vegas for Christmas because of Mom's ill health.  I felt that this was an excuse and they were really hurt about not getting a straight answer from us.  That night I told Roberta about the call.  She said that she would call Marc and tell him not to try for the apartment.  (That's odd, she would not ask him to get it but she was glad to call and tell him not to get it.)  She went into the bedroom, closed the door, and called him.  When she came out she said that Marc and his friend Derek ware just going over to corner the boss about the apartment.  I started thinking about all of this and got quietly angry.  I then told Roberta that we weren't treating my parents right.  We had stalled them until they were hurt and this was the most likely reason for their not coming.  She asked if I wanted Marc to still get the apartment.  I told her yes and that he should call my parents and invite them himself.  Again Roberta returned to the bedroom to make the call.

Quite awhile later Roberta came out.  She said that Marc had called her back after she had told him to get the apartment. He had called back to tell her he had reserved the apartment for Dec 19 through Dec 27 and that he would call his Grandparents.  Roberta then said that this would work out real nice for us because Marc's roommates, Derek and Ashley, would still be there for a couple of days when we first got there. Roberta said that we could stay in the apartment and not have to bunk with Chris, Marc, Derek, and Ashley for the first two days.  I told Roberta that she had never mentioned that we would be there for a couple of days while Ashley and Derek would still be there.  She made some comment that she must have just not thought about it and that is why she had not told me.

Then I realized something.  Roberta thinks six is to many when the six included my parents but that six is OK when it includes Marc's 2 roommates. 

By the way, the house has two bedrooms, a computer room with futon, a large living room with couch and another futon under the back awning which could have been brought into the living room. I almost forgot to mention that there was a disassembled queen bed in the unused garage.

 

JE#3: It is OK for Roberta to Repeat to My Sons Anything I Say About Them

When Chris came back from Afghanistan in 2005, he was offered 3 weeks of block leave.  He only signed up for 2 and his Mother made his flight arrangements.  I that he would regret not taking all 3 and told him that.  He disagreed and took the 2.  After being home for a week, he changed his mind and he had me contact his unit's S3 Sergeant-Major (we had gotten to know each other through my support-the-troops drive).  The Sergeant-Major got Chris his extra week so he was able to stay all three weeks.

When Chris came back from Iraq in 2007, he was again offered 3 weeks of block leave.  Again, he only signed up for 2.  Again, his Mother made the flight arrangements.  After about 10 days into he leave, he called his Mother and asked her to try to reschedule his return flight since he was going to stay for the third week.  After trying and failing to find a reasonable cost new return flight, Roberta came to me.  She was very upset that she could not find a new flight that he could afford and she was mad at Chris for putting her in this position.  She also said some negative comments about his decision making.  In trying to comfort her, I reminded her of him doing the same thing when he took leave after Afghanistan. I said that he had done the same dumb-ass thing then that he did now and that it was his own decision and she should not feel bad about it.  I said it was his own damn fault and not hers.  Roberta seemed to calm down a little.

A few minutes later I overheard Roberta on the phone saying, "Well, your father says he did the same dumb-ass thing when he came back from Afghanistan and it is his own damn fault." 

I screamed, "What are you doing? You can't tell him what I said."  Roberta said, "Its not Chris, its Marc."

After she hung up the phone I got real loud and really lit into her about telling either son what I said in confidence to her.  No matter what I said to Roberta, I could tell that she felt like she had done nothing wrong.  Finally I said in a normal voice, "You truly believe that it is OK to repeat to Chris and Marc anything that I say about them?"  She shook her head yes.  I told her that I would have to really watch what I said from now on since I could not trust her to keep my comments confidential.

One of the cardinal rules about management is that when two managers talk negative about an employee, that neither manager repeats the negative comment to either the employee or the employee's coworkers.  I thought that parents did the same thing.  At least I do.  I very rarely have repeated any negative comments that Roberta has made about either Chris or Marc.  Obviously this rule only applies to me.

 

JE#4:  Lies and Deception.  They Have Not Stopped

Around noon on Friday, January 18, 2007, I received a call from Roberta.  She stated that she had received an email from her friend Jeanne.  Roberta said it included an invitation to come up for the week-end.  Roberta said she wanted to get away for a few days and this would be good for her.  I had no objections and said as much.  Roberta said she would leave work early, pack some things, and drive to Jeanne's.  When I got home around 5:00 PM, there was a note on the counter telling me she was off and that there was some soup left over from the "girls' night out" at Olive Garden restaurant.

Around 5:30, I text messaged Roberta this message, "Lies and deceptions.  They have not stopped, have they?"
Around 6:00, I text messaged Roberta again, "Don't forget to leave his radar detector with him."  (Roberta was using Chris's radar detector in her Mustang.)

The truth is that Chris is in Indianapolis this week-end following his discharge from the Army.  Roberta will see and stay with her friend Jeanne (who lives outside of Indianapolis) but her real reason for going up is to spend time with Chris.  I am sure that Roberta has rationalized this lie of omission (or deception) to me by thinking that I might object to her going to see Chris because of the current hard feelings between us (See JE#1 above.)  It is very common for Roberta to choose the path she wants to follow and then to rationalize it.

Our marriage is under great strain in large part due to lies and deception by one party to the other.  Continuing to lie and deceive sure does not  constitute trying to make things better.

After Roberta's return on Sunday, I asked her some questions:
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I did not think you wanted to hear Chris's name."
"Did you think I would try to stop you from going?"
"No."
"Do you think I won't figure out when you lie to me?"
"No."
"Do you enjoy lying to me?"
"No."
"Why do you lie to me?
"You scare me."
"So it is my fault that you lie to me?"
"No."
"Then why do you lie to me?"
"I don't know."

JE#5: When I Make a Mistake, I Apologize and Accept the Consequences

Last night I modified Roberta's Hotmail account.  Her byline read, "I am happy I spent some time with my boys."  I changed it to read, "I am a serial liar to my husband.  My father would be so ashamed."

I was wrong to do this.  While truthful, it was over the line.  I have sent Roberta an email apology and will not do this again.

JE#6: The Bottom Line